Saturn Return Diaries: Part 1
As I’m moving into my body and claiming parts of me that I’ve lost to trauma and change, I want to remember a part of myself that I have lost to suffering.
That part of me is a writer, but even that writing is a product of the experiences she writes about.
I’d like to honor a part of myself that used to be excited to be seen. The part of myself that had faith in my success. She listened when people said she was brilliant, talented, and creative. She believed every compliment she got. When there was feedback, she took it as truth.
Then, she slipped into despair. A spell of despair.
Unlike depression, despair is not chemical- It is circumstantial.
It takes in the current state of things and says, “Yes, this is unfair and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
Despair is a reflection of our depth of compassion, much like grief is a reflection of our depth of love.
This spell of despair found me recently when I left “home”.
I went on a spiritual quest, had psychedelic experiences while I was completely sober, and then had to abruptly pack up and head home. I wanted the truth I found in the desert to initiate me into a more spiritual reality. I wanted to find the secret passageway out of this world and into another, more magical one.
Instead of walking through the mountains into a door, I walked directly into a hard brick wall.
The was was a truth, indeed, but had two sides.
The first side is the same color, flavor, and smell of despair: Even though I have spiritual connections and psychic abilities, I live in a materialist and secular world.
The other side is that this magical world that I have a longing for is not accessible by escaping reality, but by deepening my participation in reality.
Ewe! 😝
If you’re into astrology, you may know Saturn is about to enter into Pisces. My natal Saturn is in Pisces, so this is my Saturn return.
While I will be experiencing the stimulation of this transit very deeply, the world around me will also be feeling the qualities of Saturn in Pisces. I will be in good company as we all collectively look into the truth about Heaven and Earth.
Pisces is the sister sign to Virgo, my natal Sun. These two signs are both delusional because of their idea of a “Perfect World”. Virgo sees the potential for perfection in life, while Pisces sees the perfect world as a kind of cloudy, romantic heaven.
However, as I suffer in this transition I have put myself into, I am finding the path I was promised: A spiritual life. Saturn is in my 3rd house, and here I am writing about my spiritual journey.
I am also reading tarot for more clients than I ever have. I feel as if God has put me right in the middle of an incredible community that not only benefits from my spiritual gifts but respects them.
My readings are more accurate, my synchronicities are increasing, and my circle of loving support is growing.
I miss my home, but I know my adventurous heart craves the growth I am undergoing… Even as it hurts. Even as it feels like being punished (classic Saturn lol).
However, I still move slowly as I walk through the mud of my despair. I still rest by the trees so I can look out at the beauty and the ruthless violence of nature. I feel my heart growing with compassion as I make space inside of it to love the beauty and the terror.
