Saturn Return Diaries: Part 3
Consider me published! Ahhhhh!
There came a moment last month when I just had to hit “complete” on my book of poems.
(You can get the erotic and esoteric compilation of my poems here.)
I set out on a quest last year to focus my energy on putting out as much work as I could. I laboriously typed and designed e-books that went unpurchased, videos that went barely watched, and courses that got crickets.
The demon of Give Up and Leave The World was seeping despair into me daily. I knew that there was something deeper knocking at the door… And I was hell-bent on ignoring it.
My relationship with my father is what awakened my psychic abilities after his passing. He was a lifelong writer that kept his work nearly secret. While reading and writing ruled him, there was a layer of despair standing between who he was and who he could be.
In these past few months, I’ve been walking through that muck with him by my side. The mental illness and intense psychic abilities that my lineage has always endured were revealed to me in their most bare and vulnerable forms. I inherited a story that began before I was born.
It is an ironic predicament that to lean into the Writer of me, I have to touch the most challenging parts of my mind. It reminds me of the way beautiful summer nights in the south come with big-ass mosquitos.
Of course, a big part of this chapter is seeking the kind of help that my family never got and re-writing our story. On both sides of the family, there is a history of being discriminated against for mental illness and experimented on by incompetent professionals.
While I used to believe that the potential creator in me and the potential mental patient in me were separate parts, I see now that they are reflections of one another. The way our culture treats creatives and the disabled is a reflection of modern society’s failings. Here I am, working through the trauma of that for my ancestors and with them.
I do not think publishing a book of poetry will magically end my struggle with depression, but actually completing the work and letting it be seen and purchased is a huge step in my healing journey.
It is me saying that I will indeed listen to the guidance of Spirit when I hear them calling me in a direction and stand by that decision when I am faced with judgment. All those months I was trying to make an e-book/internet strategy work because of my visceral, full-body fear of having a physical book floating around in the world.
It was both my biggest goal and my worst nightmare.
While the Universe was sending my visions and signs about this book being a massive checkpoint on my path to success and fulfillment, I was dragging my feet and letting my wounded ego drive the ship.
If you’ve been reading my Saturn Return Diaries, you already know that I’ve been having a Bad Time™️. As soon as I clicked the button to finalize the publication, the first crack formed in the wall I built between myself and the person I dream myself to be.
This is by far the grimmest ego death I’ve had thus far. I’m raw-dogging it with no psychedelics. I am deeply humbled by the grit it takes to face reality. It is easy to believe my dreams will come true when I spend half my time dissociating. Now, I am in a chapter of life where dissociating could land me in a much more dangerous spot. What does that mean for my dreams, then?
It still feels weird baring my soul when I have very little optimism left.
I want to produce work that will inspire others to feel positive and have hope. But even I have grown tired of the love and light façade that so many spiritual creators are projecting while society collapses around us. As you know, there is no light without shadow.
I hope that I can validate the seekers that may not see the loose ends tied up in their lifetime. The homeless, the trapped, and the destitute among us deserve just as much honor and respect as the abundance coaches that look good on Instagram. Spirituality is not hierarchy- It is present at every moment in every life no matter what our material or social circumstance. For that reason, it is a great ally in coping with where we are.
It is not a ticket to a train out of life but a piece of Heaven’s technology for surviving Earth in all of her iterations.
I was recently on a podcast where I discussed my experience and it is another example of the heart-wrenching vulnerability that I am deeply embarrassed by and deeply committed to. You can listen here: https://www.lovelanyadoo.com/ghost-of-a-podcast/2023/5/24/327-how-alcoholic-is-too-alcoholic
And for the love of God, buy something of mine.
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