When I Returned to my Body

When I started practicing intentional masturbation, I was first experimenting with being entirely in my body during pleasure.

I did not explore fantasy or imagine anything happening to my body. I said goodbye to playing out elaborate sexual scenarios in my mind or reading erotica. I tried to fully experience reality and focus on the fact that I was creating a pleasure response with my touch.

Who on Earth would do that?

This took months! My mind’s desire to remember other sexual experiences, create narratives, leave my body, or pull an object of my affection into the frame was strong.

I had to use the techniques that I borrowed from my meditation practice.

Listen to your breath. Feel where the emotions are in your body. Just bring the mind gently back to the present moment. Focus on the sensation.

I still don’t know what inspired me to attempt this. At the time, I had no idea what the result would be but the orgasms I had were off-the-charts pleasurable.

After feeling more and more comfortable remaining in my body from beginning to end in self-pleasure, I started to feel the benefits.

I would receive intense spiritual downloads during pleasure as well as during climax. Afterward, a portal would open that sent wisdom pouring into me from another plane.

The experience became very intentional over time. I would light candles and feed my ancestor altar to set the stage for a physical alignment with my spiritual self.

During that time I was setting intentions outside of sex magic. When I did journaling or spell work, I would be working toward manifesting my desired reality. Then, in my sex magic practice, I was given the solutions that would get me there.

For example, I was in need of a job and was doing the visualization and journaling about it almost daily. During orgasm, I received the direction: Ask [specific person] if they’re hiring where they work.

The next day I did, they were, and I got the job the next week.

This practice showed me that psychic listening occurred in my body, not in my mind. I would have to feel my body and be present in order to open up to my abilities. I would watch information literally move through me.

I didn’t use every orgasm for spell work- I still had “me time” where I allowed my fantasy and imagination to be a part of my pleasure experience. However, even within that, I was feeling a lot of spiritual energy come through. This included visits from entities, which got really interesting later🙃.

I also noticed my sex life with others changing. I was still actively hypersexual, though I did not bring my magic into partner sex. Eventually, my love for exciting and spontaneous intimacy conflicted with my capacity for sacred sexuality.

I had sex sober for the first time in a long time and it gave me psychic insight into the person I was sleeping with. Like most paranormal experiences, it was scary and intense.

I could feel things about them they probably wouldn’t want me to know. I ended the relationship and practiced celibacy for six months after that to get a handle on using that ability more appropriately and consensually.

I took my journey through celibacy with a therapist and a psychic consultant. While it was not my first time abstaining from sex, it was more intentional than a simple detox.

I was starting to notice that substances were a massive part of my sex life and that leaving my body was the only way I could enjoy it. I had difficulty saying no to people that had perceived physical power over me. I saw myself through the lenses of what I had been programmed to be: An object, a service, a prize, a win.

Because I was trapped in the narrative of being “gotten” or “scored”, even the safest and most intimate sexual experiences were colored by what sex represents in society at large. I could not relax into it without leaving my body completely.

This sent me down the path of tackling my disassociation patterns in other realms of my world. I am still in recovery from sex addiction to help process the patterns.

What I would have loved is a different story. A story where nobody in my family was ever traumatized by sex. A story where my love for connection was celebrated rather than consistently taken advantage of. A story where I don’t have any trauma living in my pelvis and no abuse to recover from.

However, very few humans can say that. We come to Earth for the stories and we live them to the best of our ability.

As I journey through healing my own trauma and the trauma of my ancestors, my sex magic stays with me as a powerful tool for transformation. I study many different traditions of sexuality in magic and delight in finding the erotic and spiritual aspects of world religions.

I have found that sacred sexuality has long been a part of how mystics understand reality. Even the celibate tantra philosophers brought us great sexual wisdom in their work with this energy, proving that “having sex” is not what sex actually is.

In what I call my “pleasure portals” I have been given tools to heal my nervous system, granted access to information that propels my life in the right direction, and experienced radical real-time healing.

The ability of our souls to heal themselves does not require some divine secret knowledge. It only requires us to allow our desires. Then, the door to our healing will open. It might be through masturbation, it might be something else.

I seriously doubt there are too many people that are willing to turn self-pleasure into a spiritual discipline.

But I know that for me (Scorpio stellium in the 12th house) it was the best way for me to see behind the panels and into the wiring of my body-mind-spirit connection. It allowed me to see nature in a new way and even interact with nature through my orgasms.

The way I see it laid out is that much of my disempowerment as a woman started when I was young- I have not known life as anything other than a sexualized object for others to enjoy. Separating from my body at an early age was the only way to ever feel safe or reclaim my autonomy.

It makes sense that around the time I was made aware of my role in culture as a “desirable girl” is when I stopped seeing ghosts and having paranormal experiences because I was no longer in my body.

Now, I aim to experience 100% autonomy and 100% pleasure. I no longer have to perform my role because I have explored my psyche and body so much that any projection of what I am “supposed to be” is shattered when it touches me.

What I found when I returned to my body was a lot of damage had been done in my absence.

While I felt overwhelmed and walked away from the cleanup quite a few times, eventually I was able to make the most difficult step in repairing that damage: Asking the Universe for help. Then, the second most difficult thing: Taking the help when it is offered.

I still fall back into patterns of drinking and fucking, to be clear. I have been practicing for years and still have weeks where magic makes me want to scream because it is just another thing on my to-do list. I become jaded, angry, and run away from blessings that are offered to me because I resent the cards I was dealt.

But whenever I am ready to restart and light the fire again, the pleasure portals are accessible and ready to receive me.

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